Dear TomHa,
I suppose that bloggers has this very interesting feeling when they pen down their thoughts and feelings for the day(at least for me..). Somehow, you would like your tagboard to be full of comments and praises and to have your blog surfed by like a thousand million people and be granted the status of a most read blog in the world. On the other hand, you would like yourblog to be as private as possible so that you would be able to pen down your thoughts and feelings without fearing the wrath of another party or people to inquire into your deep down secrets. I would love to call this phenomenon a blogger's dilemma, a spin-off from John Nash's prisoner dilemma. Nash's equilibrium talks about companies would not cooperate and in the end achieve a less profitable outcome in the end as compared to the point when they cooperate and reap off greater dividends(or something like that.. must revise my econs liao..)(although after a long period of time and deceit, Nash equilibrium would tend to the one which gains more dividends.. Man are learning animals! But that is beside the point). In my CaoKheng equilibrium though, I feel that readers and bloggers should maintain this invisible treaty of cooperation to achieve greater dividends. Keep everything you read to yourself(afterall the blogger must have trusted that you are the entitled one or two or three.. to read his blog) and the blogger can trust this mutual agreement to spell out more of his thoughts and feelings and the reader would be able to gain more insights to the blogger's life.
What happens when a person becomes disillussioned with what he is doing already. Make him something important of that club and whoala! He wants to quit also cannot already. Yes.. I am describing about myself. Was forced into becoming someone rather important I guess in my Uni's canoeing team just when I thought that that would be my last day squeezing into a kayak rowing up and down a designated place. So sian, yet my friends are feeling so happy. Sigh.. What to do? I just hate myself for being so weak. I could have been stronger and rejected the post outright and resolutely, but guess that I am too much of a nice person, and sensing that the day had already been rather long partly due to some other person forcing a re-election and that it was already really tiring for everybody, I accepted it reluctantly and what have you got? Another year of incessant suffering and pain and 5ams. I feel so sad. Feel so out of place, like somehow I just don't belong, like no one understands me.. Yah.. I am listening to Simple Plan..
Sorry for such a gloomy and heavy entry today. Promise next one would be something light and funny. Haven't written those kind of feel-good entries for months...